Monday, July 5, 2010

Failure.

Lately I have been feeling like my life should be one big post on "Fail Blog". That's perhaps being a bit dramatic. I know I'm not actually a complete looser. In my head. But I have been mildly depressed lately with how awesome I'm doing with the very smallest things and every day responsibilities, as well as some major issues I struggle with. People are sweet and make excuses for me- "oh you just had a baby" "you've got 5 kids" .... as if now it's ok for me to be a slacker in life, drop the ball on all my responsibilities, and hand my children a bunch of baggage. And yes, obviously those minor details affect my life in a very real way, but I'm talking about my own personal struggles in certain areas of my daily life that have been a problem forever. Those bad habits that I never seem to get better at, but always seem to get the better of me. Why do we have personal "issues" that seem to cling for years? I feel overwhelmingly discourged by my apparent inability to change my behavior. It's a daily struggle to "do better" and yet, at the end of EVERY day, I look back, and I'm disappointed in myself again. I tell myself "Tomorrow is a new day, I WILL do this, NOT do that and FINALLY get around to accomplishing that!" Then have the same conversation with myself all over again the next day, and the next... And I have been dealing with the exact same personal issues for years, with almost no true success or forward motion. Will I ever grow in these areas? Or will I look back in another 10 years and still be in the same place, daily failing in my personal goals for myself? Will my every journal entry still say the exact same things they've been saying for 15 years? To make it even harder, I have all these wonderful friends whose circumstances are just like mine, or even more overwhelming, who apparently are all super woman! You are all amazing and I want to sit with each of you and take in all your wisdom!

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
Courage (read- self discipline) to change the things I can..."

So, once more, here's to a new day. A chance to try again. And fresh grace.

Now I'm going to get off the computer and go do something!

Wait.... is that the baby crying?

4 comments:

Seth and Sarah said...

Okay Beautiful Friend, I couldn't leave this post comment-less. Let me just say 2 words, wait 5 words, "I know how you feel." We all struggle. Those "superwomen" you mentioned? Well, you are just looking in the windows which never gives the full picture of what goes on...
You are NOT a failure! I won't let my friend talk about my friend that way =) We are all a work in progress. Beloved by a Father who is NEVER disappointed when he looks at us. Even at our "lowest" moments.
Love you Girl!! =)

Priscilla said...

Thank you Sarah! It means SO much coming from you! And YOU ARE one of those super women I am talking about! For real! You are an inspiration even in your own struggles! I really genuinely want to learn some practical life stuff from you! Love you!

Amy said...

I want to follow! (Saw your link on facebook). I know you said lots of poeple tell you this, but I do actually know how you feel. I feel the exact same way too. I see super-moms in everyone except myself. We're our own worst citics - as they say! Trust me, you are awsome, I'm sure your kids don't ever doubt that & lots of others think the same thing too!

Priscilla said...

Thank you Amy! Some times it's just nice to know that some one can relate! :) One day at a time I guess huh?

I'm following you now too! yay!