Monday, November 7, 2016

Dreams for My Children

***All of these thoughts are in regards to a change my family is contemplating and so is very specific and only true for our particular scenario. I am fully aware that many of these aspects can coexist peacefully for many families. So no opinions or admonishments being spouted here. Just a bit of personal processing. ***

        I have two separate, very different dreams and pictures in my head of what I want my kids' lives to look like. One of those dreams is being able to give them the things that they dream of right now, at this point during their childhood. Dreams like activities, lessons, sports and being able to get have basic needs met, when you need them, instead of having to wait months and months just to be able to buy underwear. I dream of them being able to live in a home that is comfortable, where they feel free to invite their friends and not embarrassed. A house where each person feels like they actually have space to breathe, where there's a place for everything, even for a dog. I want them to experience what it's like to live in a house with a fenced yard that they can actually play in, and maybe some trees to climb. That dream includes Mark and I being in a position of being able to help set them up for financial success and educational success in their futures. Our parents have been able to help us so much over the years and I dream of being able to offer the same kind of assistance and blessing to our children. I dream of leaving a heritage and an inheritance to give them physically and monetarily, not just spiritually and emotionally.

        The other dream is not as concrete. The path this dream would lead us down means giving up many of the opportunities that would be possible in the first dream. It is a dream of them seeing the world and living outside of a box. A chance for my children to have experiences unlike average North American kids their age. Experiences which would hopefully set them up for having the right perspective on life and a wealth of knowledge at a young age, being able to understand other people and other cultures. It includes wanting them to see the hand of God moving in their own lives and with their own eyes and to experience his presence in tangible ways and to serve and to see him moving in others lives right in front of them. That dream sees them knowing what it means to sacrifice and what it means to find your reward in that sacrifice, as well as what it means to give out of your own need and then see your needs met in miraculous ways. That dream means growing up with thankfulness and gratefulness for the smallest of things and not taking anything for granted.

        The struggle comes from knowing that we have to choose one. Either , or.

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Am I Just Standing Still?

Is it a bad thing that when I go back and read my own posts from 3 years ago it all still feels relevant? It's the same when I read journal entries that I wrote 10 years ago. Does it simply mean that what spoke to me then is still resonating in my heart, or doesn't mean I haven't grown at all? It's hard to gauge where you are on the journey.



Am I Just Standing Still?

Is it a bad thing that when I go back and read my own posts from 3 years ago it all still feels relevant? It's the same when I read journal entries that I wrote 10 years ago. Does it simply mean that what spoke to me then is still resonating in my heart, or doesn't mean I haven't grown at all? It's hard to gauge where you are on the journey.



Monday, July 11, 2016

The Importance of Being Ernest



There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.

Ernest Hemingway

Welp. Here goes...
Again.

(On a side note- all photographs from here on out will be mine unless otherwise stated. Yay!)  


Monday, August 18, 2014

Perspective. Again.




I am constantly wavering back and forth between being content with what my life looks like, and longing for dreams that have yet to be realised. The last few weeks have been the latter, on a very deep level, that has left me feeling discouraged and bereft. Today God brought such gentle reminders of how he cares for us through the words of wise people and conversations with others who are in similar places. He knows what we need.
 
I know that ultimately, the purpose for our lives, and our children's lives, is not to fulfill our personal hopes and dreams, the aspirations we have for ourselves, or hopes for our children; the ultimate purpose is to follow the Lord's leading and be used by him for his purposes and plans for us. It is a matter of trust, that we believe Him when he says that he knows the plans he has for us and they are filled with his goodness and hope and a future.  If that means we need to walk through the desert for 25 years to truly step into our full destiny, then I want to trust him, and not allow my discontent to push me to take short cuts and possibly miss the fullness of the future he has for us, or chances to be used in some one else's life because of where we are, and what we are going through.
 
The unique thing about how God works, is that the contentment can reside in the same place as the dreams and desires. He makes room for both. But I do not find that balance so easily. It is so hard to trust and even harder to understand why our journey must have so many pit falls and obstacles, lost dreams, and unfulfilled or delayed hopes. My brain does not trust His goodness easily, but my spirit never questions it. And that is the paradox of being both body and soul in one being, redeemed and fallen at the same moment in time. The Father does not view the span of our lives from the finite place of time. He sees the end, the present and beginning of our life as a whole. Our part in his story.
 
And never once have we ever walked alone.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Perspective

Such a good reminder today,

That it is not about me. This process is not about my dreams or vision. The waiting is not about my plans.

My life is His, to do with as he chooses, to bring him glory, and to fulfill His purpose in my life, and through that in the lives of anyone He chooses to use it in.

It is all about him.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

The wait.

Your presence is all I need,
It's all I want.
Without it, there's no meaning.



If your presence does not go with us... Do not send us up from here.

Decisions.
Listening.
Letting go.


ex. 33:15