Waiting

I have been frequenting the blog of a girl, who has been on quite an intense personal journey in her life the last few years, and she often relates her ups and downs, triumphs and stumbles, to the idea that, God is like an author, writing the story that is our life. It isn't a new concept. I've heard it used numerous times, in a hundred places. In fact it's almost over used, to the point of loosing the impact of what that image implies for each of us. But tonight it flashed through my mind again as I was thinking about the concept of waiting on His timing for our future, and the dreams Mark and I have. The thought crossed my mind that, we can either relinquish the pen so he can write our narrative, or wrestle with him trying to hold the pen to write our own plan for the story, and end up with scribbles all over the page. It is a comforting thought though, that even when there is a scribble in the middle of a chapter, he doesn't stop writing. He writes right through the ink blots and scratches, and it doesn't change what he is writing about you, or the outcome of the story. He is in the role of the narrative voice in the book, who knows the main character (our self) better than even we do, because he is the one who has written into the story every nuance and trait. He knows the plot twists and turns, because they are being directed and honed by his hand. And he knows what happens in the last chapter. And that, gives me deep peace.

even the desert

The valleys, the plains, the plateaus, are all good in their own ways, for their own time. Yes, they all build character. But I could really do with another mountain top right now. It's been awhile. I miss the view.



No, I am not talking about hiking in Colorado. Yes this is entirely figurative. And yes, I mean spiritually.

Failure.

Lately I have been feeling like my life should be one big post on "Fail Blog". That's perhaps being a bit dramatic. I know I'm not actually a complete looser. In my head. But I have been mildly depressed lately with how awesome I'm doing with the very smallest things and every day responsibilities, as well as some major issues I struggle with. People are sweet and make excuses for me- "oh you just had a baby" "you've got 5 kids" .... as if now it's ok for me to be a slacker in life, drop the ball on all my responsibilities, and hand my children a bunch of baggage. And yes, obviously those minor details affect my life in a very real way, but I'm talking about my own personal struggles in certain areas of my daily life that have been a problem forever. Those bad habits that I never seem to get better at, but always seem to get the better of me. Why do we have personal "issues" that seem to cling for years? I feel overwhelmingly discourged by my apparent inability to change my behavior. It's a daily struggle to "do better" and yet, at the end of EVERY day, I look back, and I'm disappointed in myself again. I tell myself "Tomorrow is a new day, I WILL do this, NOT do that and FINALLY get around to accomplishing that!" Then have the same conversation with myself all over again the next day, and the next... And I have been dealing with the exact same personal issues for years, with almost no true success or forward motion. Will I ever grow in these areas? Or will I look back in another 10 years and still be in the same place, daily failing in my personal goals for myself? Will my every journal entry still say the exact same things they've been saying for 15 years? To make it even harder, I have all these wonderful friends whose circumstances are just like mine, or even more overwhelming, who apparently are all super woman! You are all amazing and I want to sit with each of you and take in all your wisdom!

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
Courage (read- self discipline) to change the things I can..."

So, once more, here's to a new day. A chance to try again. And fresh grace.

Now I'm going to get off the computer and go do something!

Wait.... is that the baby crying?

me < life

Why, oh why can't life be just a little bit simple?

Yep- Random Ponderings indeed!

I know it's Mother's Day. I should be writing something deep and meaningful that will make my Mom cry. I just don't feel like it at the moment. Besides, I did that back in November '08 after Zaria was born, you can go back and read it if you want to know how I feel about my mom and being a mother. ;) As a matter of fact, I have no idea what I am writing about at this moment, just felt like writing something! The past few weeks have been the epitome of how my life is, just an endless run of days where I try and try to accomplish the same things over and over, with out ever quite getting there. I'm feeling pretty ready for a change of pace! And although having baby #5 will certainly mix things up a bit, (haha) that's not quite what I'm talking about. I'm ready to go on a road trip, or a 2nd honeymoon, or move to another country (sorry Mom, it's just how I was built). Basically, I am feeling the need for some change. Most people hate change or at best, tolerate it but prefer to keep it at a distance. And I do have those parts of my psyche that enjoy some consistency, and the feeling of stability, but I can only go for so long before I need to have my "normal" dramatically altered, at least for a little while. For the past several years I've struggled to just be content with my life, because it's pretty darn awesome, so how can I complain? Nevertheless- I find myself complaining all the time. I actually love Kansas City, and all of our amazing friends here. Something in me just needs to have a new challenge, new surroundings and new experiences on a regular basis. I think if we were able to travel a bit more (OK- allot more) I would be able to come back to KC and settle in for a few months of nice, consistent routine. Maybe. I would still want to have a fundamental change, but it would be easier to stay content. Mark and I have been feeling for quite awhile that this season of our lives is coming to a close, and that God has something new on the horizon. We just have no idea what form that something might take. Is it a drastic, physical change, like moving? Or just as simple as the focus of what we are doing with our life being shifted? Inside I find myself holding my breath, that my dreams are going to come true and we are going to find ourselves some where sophisticated, or exotic. But I am feeling pretty sure that we either need to just keep waiting on His timing and direction, because a big change is not immanently pending, or that we are in the middle of the change of seasons, and when we look back, we'll discover just what it was, and be amazed. One thing I am truly grateful for, is that I know I have a God I can trust, that I don't have to trust my own wisdom exclusively, and that his timing has always been, and always will be, perfect. So I will keep sitting here in the exotic Mid-west USA, and enjoy the good things I have. Even if my day to day life consists primarily of cleaning and trying not to loose my patience with my kids. My life is pretty sweet. So, here's to waiting! And to hoping for at least a date night in the next month or so!

Motherhood

With the birth of my third, beautiful daughter, I have fallen in love with being a Mom all over again. It is an experience that I truly thank God for. It is an incredible honor to be given these precious little lives to be a caretaker over and to be so overwhelmingly blessed by them in return. I am more grateful now than ever for the wonderful examples of Motherhood that God has placed in my life. There have been many tremendous ladies that I have observed and garnered wisdom from, but the two greatest gifts and examples in my life, are the Mom's God gave ME. My Mom always said that you don't appreciate how much your mother loves you until you become a mother yourself (or how hard she worked) and, of course, she was right! She would say, "Just wait til you have kids, then you'll get it!" And I do. And now that I know the blood, sweat and tears, as well as joy, I appreciate her even more than ever! (yes I have always appreciated you Mom, even when I was 14 and it wasn't quite as obvious as those rolled eyes...) I feel truly thankful to the Lord for giving me the mother he did, I am deeply fortunate to have been so loved, guarded, nurtured and taught. I have been doubly blessed, because now I also have a wonderful Mother-in-law in my life to learn from, who is a beautiful example of Godly mothering as well. Not many people get to actually enjoy their Mother-in-laws. What can I say? I lead a charmed life! (it's just an expression momma, I know I'm blessed... ;) wink, wink)

So to all the beautiful and amazing mothers in my life- thank you for shining a light into the often overwhelming world of being a mom, and for just being able to relate to what I'm going through! But thanks especially to my Mom and Pat, for for sharing from their years of experience and dedication!


Mom-thank you for showing me Jesus, for extending grace for me to be myself, for your years of sacrifice, for always thinking I was the smartest, sweetest, prettiest, etc. unfailingly, for being honest about your own mistakes so I wouldn't have to make them, and for loving me like only a mother can! I love you back!


Pat- Thank you for accepting me and loving me as a daughter, for raising your son to be such an awesome person who loves the Lord and loves people, and for exemplifying graciousness and selflessness. I love you very much and am so grateful to call you my mother-in-law!

This Thanksgiving- I am thankful for YOU!

Politics Suck.

I am, at the moment, kind of reeling from the realisation that so many of my very good friends, hold such drastically differently perspectives on life than I do in some areas. I am deeply saddened by some of the things I am hearing come out of the mouths of people I love. Not that I in any way feel that I have all the right perspectives and opinions, but to see people that you thought were on the same page in allot of ways, seem to have either gradually changed over several years or just out of the blue blown me away with things I didn't know about the way they thought, is hard to ignore. Nothing like a brutal Presidential election to bring it all out either! Ugh! I am open to talking about different opinions on just about any topic and more than willing to have my own perspective broadened or changed entirely, as long as it still falls in line with the word of God and MORALS!!! But even peoples view points on what the Bible says and what morals even are, can be so different, that even a discussion based on them can be a bit volatile. Sigh. It's just hard. I want to say something because some times my heart is broken by seeing what my friends believe, but they aren't able to receive it, especially since I often fit into a stereotype they've invented and judged already. So I just sit back, and trust that God is greater than human error or our limited perspectives, and then I will go vote as well as I can and not worry about what the future holds; because it doesn't matter in the long run anyway! God is GOD, and even though he has given us free wills and the ability to makes choices that affect us and those around us, his plans will prevail and indeed our choices are already taken into account. The truth is, all that matters is that he loves us all, and has a plan to prosper us, to give us a future and a hope. People all around the world will continue to come to know him, the wonder of his love, and the power of his grace, no matter who becomes the President of the United States or what happens to the economy!